Bad Mama?

Feeding Incident #1

I have been nursing Ying Ying to sleep at night since birth. Well, except for the two occasions we slept apart - the time when I contracted chickenpox (when Ying Ying was 25mth) and when I went to the hospital to deliver mei-mei (when she was 30mth).

Last night, Ying Ying went to sleep without me nursing her. Why? Because I pre-set a condition that next time she must finish her bedtime milk before I give her any neh-neh. I was fed up with the number of occasions she just took tiny sips and said she had enough. You see, she doesn't drink any milk during the day and so I was determined to get her drink some milk at night.

Anyway, our stubborn friend agreed (happily) to my condition. Later, we went to bed together and after a while, she couldn't stand seeing me nursing mei-mei and asked for neh-neh too. I reminded her of our agreement and she obediently said she wanted to drink her milk. So I gave her milk and and this time, she drank well (about 5oz/150ml). Unfortunately, she couldn't drink up the whole cup, no matter how I coerced her to. Well, usually, I would have been pleased with her milk intake of such amount since she always drinks very little. But this time, I decided enough is enough. She used to be able to drink more when she was younger. So I told her firmly - sorry, I can't give you neh-neh because you didn't finish your milk. Ying Ying looked disappointed but she didn't cry. Later, after some tossing and turning in the dark, she really fell asleep without me nursing her... :/

Meanwhile, I couldn't sleep because I was having mixed feelings about all this. Suddenly, I missed nursing her to sleep in my arms. (Though I admit, at times, I resented a little because it meant not being able to sleep 'freely' till she unlatched something like 30mins later.)

Now thinking back, am I being too harsh on her? Perhaps I shouldn't have poured out so much milk to begin with. I should have given her a quantity of milk which she can cope with. Then both parties would not be disappointed. Granted there are toddlers half her age who can gulp down 8oz at a go. BUT she is not like other toddler. Granted she used to be able to finish the same amount when she was younger. BUT she is older now. Obviously, her dietary preferences has changed and I have to come to terms with that. What is the big deal about cow's milk anyway? Isn't breastmilk better for her immunity? Why force her to drink some more when she is already full? I should have praised her for attempting to drink and give in to her nursing request. She had already tried her best in drinking and yet I was sending out a message that her best was still not good enough for me.

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Feeding Incident #2

This happened last Tue. I had prepared a macaroni lunch for Ying Ying but she took only one and spat it out. So I fed her yogurt and she ate it happily. I decided to offer another cup of yogurt to make up the calories for her lunch. Though she wasn't very keen because it was strawberry flavoured (she prefers mango or grape), she said yes and even helped open the cover. But when I tried to feed her, she kept resisting by waving off and turning her head away. My head told me I shouldn't push it but my heart got impatient.

Suddenly, I snapped. I simply shoved the whole spoonful of yogurt into her unopened mouth. Because she kept turning her head, the yogurt smeared all over her lower face and landed on her T-shirt. She looked at me and cried. I cleaned her face, took her soiled shirt off and... continued to force-feed her. (What was I thinking?!?!?) When she still refused to eat, I suggested playing fish game once she had finished her yogurt. Instantly, she wanted to go fetch her fish game first but I stopped her by holding her hand and refusing to let go. She cried again. I even tried to emotionally blackmail her by telling her that I would be sad if she didn't finish her yogurt. Eventually, seeing that she was totally not interested, I stopped the feed and dragged her go bathe (for the second time that afternoon) since the yogurt got on some parts of her hair too.

This incident kept replaying in my mind over and over again. I feel so horrible and terrible for force-feeding her when I have been preaching everybody else not to. I have read up all the rules and suggestions in books and magazines for what to do and not to do during mealtimes. But I don't know why, that day, I just snapped. I am usually very patient and kind with Ying Ying. I am truly ashamed of my behaviour. Feeling blue, I confided in husband about it that evening. Instead of consoling and encouraging me, he chided me of 'bullying' Ying Ying!! :(

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I think it is good that I am doing some self-reflection here so that I can draw some lessons to learn from and thus become a better parent.

As you can see, the journey of motherhood is sometimes, if not often, a guilt-ridden one.

My dear Ying Ying, I am so sorry for being a bad mama to you on occasions like these. Pls forgive me... :/