Instead: Show your child what you expect him to do to “replace” the wrong behaviour.
“Calm down!” “Stop whining!” “Be more respectful!” A big parenting mistake is assuming our kids know what to do instead. Don't assume! Instead, teach a new behavior or skill to replace the inappropriate one. The result: the child is less likely to be a “repeat offender.”
Show don't tell. Your toddler is pulling the dog's fur. Call the behavior: “Don't pull the doggies fur. It hurts.” Then show the replacer behavior. “Watch Mommy. My hand pets the doggie's fur gently. See how his tail wags?”
Redo the right way. Your child whines. “That is a whiney tone. Listen to my nice tone. Now you try.” Or "You can't grab, but you can use your words to tell your brother you want a turn. Let's practice a few times then you can use it with your brother.”
Teach a new skill. For a younger kid, say: "When you start to feel yourself getting mad take big Dragon Breaths.” For an older kid, say: “Take a deep slow breath, and count slowly to ten.”
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Mistake #2 Not Using the Right Words the Right Way
Correct: Be mindful of the result you are seeking and your word choice to achieve it.
Research proves our word choice can have a big impact on kids' behaviors. Studies also show that the right words said at the right time are more effective in shaping behavior than rewards. The problem is too often we use the wrong words so we get the wrong results.
Be specific and focus on the action (not kid). Catching kids doing the “right” thing is the fastest way to change behavior especially if you use an enthusiastic tone. It's the only way to teach a children what you want them to do, and the right words will help them discover how to improve his behavior. Using “because” makes praise more specific so the child knows exactly what you liked, and is more likely to repeat the action. Switching pronouns from “I” to “you” stretches a child's internal motivation. Instead of: “I'm so proud of you.” Say: “You should be so proud because….”
Don't praise intelligence. A Columbia University study on more than 400 fifth-graders found that kids praised for their intelligence--something they don't feel they have control over-- are more afraid of failure, less likely to tackle new challenges and feel more pressure to perform. So comment on what they are trying to accomplish. Instead of: “You're so smart.” Say: “I like how hard you are concentrating.”
Emphasize effort not result. A University of Michigan study found that parents often praise the end product (the trophy, grade, or score). By switching your emphasis on the process or child's effort during the task the child is likely to persist and succeed because he knows he has can control over the outcome of his success.
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Mistake #3 Setting Unrealistic Expectations
Correct: Use developmentally appropriate, realistic, child and success-oriented expectations.
Research proves a powerful determiner of kids' success is the kind of expectations their parents set. Expecting too little limits kids' success because they're robbed from trying new possibilities. Unrealistic expectations are also damaging: “Why didn't you get all A's?” “How did you not make the team?” “You got a 98%- which two did you miss?” and may be misinterpreted as, “You're not good enough.” These four questions help ensure expectations gently stretch kids' potential to become their best without pushing them to be more than they can be:
Developmentally appropriate. Is your child developmentally ready for the tasks you're requiring or are you pushing him beyond his internal timetable? Learn what's appropriate for your child's age, but still keep in mind that developmental guidelines are not etched in stone. It's always best to start from where your child is.
Realistic. Is my expectation fair and reasonable, or am I expecting too much? Realistic expectations stretch kids to aim higher, without pushing them beyond their capabilities. Be careful of setting too high of standards. Putting your kid in too difficult of situations, puts him at the risk of failing and lowering his feelings of competence. Aim for “one step more.”
Child's goal, not yours. Is what you're expecting something your child wants, or is it something you want for yourself? We all want our kids to be successful, but we have to constantly be wary of setting goals for our kids that are our dreams, and not those of our kids.
Success oriented. Are you sending the kind of expectations that tell your child you believe he's responsible, reliable, and worthy? Effective expectations encourage kids to be their best, so that they can develop a solid belief in themselves.
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Mistake #4 Not Using the Rule of 21
Correct: Faithfully stick to changing one behaviour at least three weeks to reap results.
A big parenting mistake is not sticking to a behavior plan long enough. The result: No behaviour change. Changing behaviour is a gradual process requiring commitment and repetition. In fact, learning a new habit takes around 21 days of consistent work. By faithfully using the "Rule of 21" you're more likely to get the desired behaviour result. Hint: Watch out for a "backslide effect" Just before behaviour changes it sometimes worsens. The child is testing, so don't give in!
Target 1 behavior. You won't be so overwhelmed and are more likely get lasting change.
Relay plan to at least one caregiver. You'll get faster results being on the same page.
Track efforts in a calendar. You'll “see” a gradual change that will keep you committed.
Commit to 21 days. Consistently stick to your plan for 21 days or however long it takes!
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Mistake #5 Not Letting Kids Experience Failure
Correct: Stop rescuing so your child experiences setbacks and learns from mistakes.
Swooping in to fix things robs kids from learning crucial skills needed to handle life-like coping, problem solving, and starting over. After all, mistakes are a big part of learning and set backs are inevitable. If a child isn't allowed to experience a bit of failure or always expects Mom or Dad to pick up the pieces he or she is more likely to thrown when he hits those troubling issues in the real world. Making things easier now just makes it tougher later. Rescuing also undermines a child's sense of competence, the opportunity to practice bouncing back, and sets him or her up for perfectionism. They are also more likely to give up when the going gets tough.
Stop rescuing! Vow to let your child learn to handle frustration in gradual doses.
Give permission to make mistakes. “Mistakes are how we learn.” “Everyone makes them.”
Model mistake making. Share your own mistakes (within reason) and how to handle them.
Teach problem solving. “What do you need to do?” “What will you do next time?”
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